#palliativecare

No one likes to think about their own mortality—especially when they’re raising children. But for many parents living with a serious illness, or simply wanting to plan ahead, the question quietly lingers: What if I die? How can I prepare my child or teen if that were to happen?

Although death is a natural part of life, talking about it often feels unnatural and painful. It’s even harder to face this conversation when it involves your children. Still, part of preparing for any outcome, especially when facing a serious illness, is making sure your children are emotionally equipped to understand, process, and cope if the unthinkable happens.

This journey begins with small, open conversations that help children make sense of life’s uncertainties. They need to be part of this journey; not just for understanding, but for healing, should the time ever come.

Start with Communication

One thing nearly all research agrees on is that honest communication is vital. Start by asking your child what they think is happening. Have they noticed changes? What are they wondering about?

This is a good starting point for deeper, more honest conversations. As your child begins sharing their understanding of the situation, gently and honestly introduce words like ‘serious illness’ and ‘dying.’ If death is a possible outcome, it’s important they hear and understand that word from you, so they can begin making sense of it in a safe and supported way.

Keep These Tips in Mind:

• You can’t shield children from all pain. They are perceptive. Even if you try to protect them, they will sense that something is wrong. Help them feel informed, not confused or excluded.
• Don’t wait for the “perfect moment.” Instead, create safe and honest spaces for ongoing conversations. Open communication now can reduce fear later.
• Be the one to talk to them. Children and teenagers should hear serious news from you and not accidentally from someone else.
• Listen carefully to their questions. Their understanding will depend on their age, personality, and life experience. Be present, and follow their emotional cues.
• Use clear, simple language. Use language that matches the child’s developmental level. Avoid euphemisms like “in treatment” without explanation, and steer clear of false reassurances such as “Mommy is sick, but she’ll be okay.” These kinds of statements can create confusion, false hope, or unnecessary fear. Honest, age-appropriate communication builds trust and emotional security.
• Offer emotional support, but don’t hesitate to ask for help. Supporting your child is hard when you’re emotionally vulnerable yourself. Accept support from others, whether that’s family, professionals, or community resources.
• Let them help, but don’t burden them. Involve them in small, age-appropriate caregiving tasks if needed, but ensure they remain in the role of a child. If you are parenting alone, bring others in to help maintain structure and stability.

Creating Memories

Preparing children for a possible loss is not only about explaining what could happen, it’s also about leaving behind connection and comfort. If the worst were to happen, these preparations can become treasured sources of strength.

Help your child or teen build memories now. Even while you’re still here, this can help them feel closer and more secure.

• Write letters your child or teen can read at key moments in life: graduation, birthdays, first heartbreaks, or just when they miss you. These can hold your love, encouragement, and even advice.
• Create a memory box with simple, meaningful items: a scarf, a watch, a favourite recipe, or a small memento from your youth. These objects can become anchors for your child’s sense of connection.
• Involve them in meaningful rituals, not necessarily funerals, but rituals of bonding. Let them help pick a photo for the wall, a song to share, or a story to write down. These create emotional tools they can carry forward.
• Encourage journaling.  A private journal allows children and teens to process their feelings freely. Writing can be a safe place to release fears, hopes, and emotions. Over time, this may even lead to deeper conversations.

Facing the Unknown, Together

Preparing for the possibility of death is emotionally complex, for adults and children alike. But regardless of age, we all experience the same loss. And in a family, that loss is shared.

Losing a parent changes the entire family dynamic. It’s a lifelong shift, a kind of emotional disability the family learns to live with. That’s why preparing early, honestly, and together can help everyone navigate that shift if and when it comes.

This journey is about more than preparing for death. It’s about creating connection, clarity, and continuity. So no matter what the future holds, your child never doubts that they were loved, supported, and understood.

Written by: Ilana Kilian, social worker

Sources:

• McMillian Cancer Support (2021) Preparing a child for loss
• Canadian Virtual Hospice (2019) Preparing Children for the Death of someone close to them